“I’m a nice guy. But women don’t want to date me. They want to go out with assholes. I guess I’ll just have to be an asshole, then.”
Got news for you. If you’ve ever said or thought that, you’re probably one already. Probably have been for a while.
Recently, I’ve read posts or heard a lot of guys say something similar to this. This leads me to examine the first statement: “I’m a nice guy.” Really? Why are you a nice guy?
You listen to women’s problems? You’re there for them when they need you? They ask you to do something and you’re right there? Great. You’re a friend. That’s what friends DO. We’re there for other friends when they need us.
You open doors for them? Walk them to their car at night. Pay for drinks? Take them out for coffee? Maybe buy dinner once in a while? Okay, maybe you grew up in a traditional household like myself. According to my family, that makes you a gentleman. Admittedly, being a gentleman seems to be going out of style (yes, women can do all of the above things for themselves…sorry…just raised that way) but we still do those things. It’s part of being a gentleman. You do it because it’s in your nature…until your wife explains to you that it is totally fine for her to pay once in awhile…and it is.
Doing the above things can make you a friend. They can make you a gentleman. They DO NOT, however, ENTITLE you to ANYTHING. You do them because it is right. You do them because you are a friend. You do them because you are nice. You do not do them to get a girlfriend.
That makes you an asshole.
That’s right. She’s thinking you’re being nice because you ARE nice. You’re thinking that this will make her like you.
Why are you thinking that? Sure, she’ll appreciate you, but this isn’t going to make her attracted to you. She’ll think you’re a nice guy…like you think you are. You’ll think that you’re laying the groundwork for a wonderful relationship.
But then she goes off with another guy.
Oh my God…what’s wrong with her?. Doesn’t she know that you’ve put in all this time, money, and effort into a relationship that she just threw away? That bitch! All just to go off with a guy you’ve identified as an “asshole.”
No. She went off with the guy who actually asked her out. She went off with a guy who had enough confidence to make his intentions known. He wasn’t being “nice” hoping she would notice him.
Let’s look at it like this:
You believe, honestly, that you’re a nice guy. There is a girl you like. You get to know her, find out what she likes, take her for coffee, and perhaps buy her a few nice gifts. Seems like there is a solid connection. One day you call her and ask her if she wants to go see that movie she’s been talking about…and she says “sorry, I’ve got a date.”
What is your reaction?
If you’re happy for her and continue to be her friend, good for you. You’re a nice guy. (See the below information on how to approach it next time.)
If you’re angry and decide to rail at the world, say that women just want assholes and/or you can’t be her friend anymore, you’re not. Sorry. (Also see the below information on how to fix your attitude and approach it next time.)
So, what were you thinking? “I’ve laid the groundwork and then, eventually, she’ll realize I was the guy she wanted all along.” Sorry. You think now that she has a boyfriend that she’ll just up and dump him for you as soon as you express your feelings? Nope. You’ll just end up being bitter.
Women are not just going to flock to you because you are nice. That’s not how it works. You’ve got to be nice, confident enough to express yourself, and confident about yourself. Don’t be ashamed of your activities or change yourself to fit some mold you think women want. Be yourself. Sure, you’ll get rejected. That happens. But you need to put yourself out there…not wait around for someone to come find you.
Justin Halpern put it best from his book Sh*t My Dad Says:
“I’m not that good-looking. Never was. But I didn’t give a shit. You’re not a bad-looking kid. Better-looking than I was. but nobody’s paying either of us to take our picture, right?
The only way to meet women is act like you been there before. Don’t worry about them telling you they don’t like you. It’s gonna happen. You can’t give a fuck. Otherwise, guys like you and me will never get laid.
Son, you’re always telling me why women don’t like you. No one wants to lay a guy who wouldn’t lay himself.”
It’s a little crude, but the point is pretty clear. (great book…highly recommend it)
So…”nice guys”…examine your intentions and reactions. If you’re being nice because that’s who you are, bravo. Wish there were more of you. Be proud of who you are and life will be good. Otherwise…well, I leave you with this. If this sounds like you, there’s a problem: